a love story: the life before the life

Warning! The following post is some serious bean-spilling. It’s my business. Please consider yourself forewarned and proceed with caution. I wasn’t messing around when I said I was about to shuck off some fears with the word of my testimony. It’s going down here every Tuesday. Shoot me an email about it if you want. I’m not doing this just to hear my own head rattle. Here goes the first installment:



I take taekwondo and become good at meditation. One gives us a word – “Strength,” and we visualize, hone in, and manage control of the idea, which manifests itself physically as we practice.

At this point, I know I’m pregnant, and I still do 200 crunches a day. I hold my Bible against my chest. Everything is secret. I will never be good.

The thing about abortion is that many, many women have them. Your closest friends. And they don’t tell you. We can carry grief like a tight lead jacket under our prettiest blouses and never say a thing.

It doesn’t compare to all my addictions, the moment on the secret-table when I know it’s over and is sin. My lights go out, and I near the end of my own death march.

A month later the sun blares in on morning, and I see a zombie in the mirror, and I can’t walk anymore. I put my hands to the floor and lie on my side. I think each breath is my last. I wait for the tunnel, because I know I’m lying at God’s mercy. 

Giving God an ultimatum is risky, but I have nothing to lose, so there I ask – do I die or do You live? And here I gasp my first real breath, as if I’ve been swimming up and up from an ear-popping deep. I finally breathe. My body warms and fills with holy wine. I’ve drunk my only favorite cup, and I’m Eve again, naked in her garden. When He breathes, I recognize his smell.

Continue reading the story HERE.


  1. Oh Amber… the POWER of telling others about the grace of God. I love you.

  2. Your story is my own. I still am too entwined in fear to share.

  3. “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103:12

    Tina’s last blog post..Addicted to Blogging

  4. Wow. I’m speechless. Your writing floors me.

    Cindy’s last blog post..Of Precipitation and…

  5. everything about you, mrs. haines, is beautiful and alive. and everything about the voice of the Lord is powerful and majestic. His voice makes the oaks bare and the waters roar and the thunder feel shamefully quiet. but even better, His voice lifts the broken up off the floor. ascribe to Him the glory due His name. indeed.

    hamster’s last blog post..WHATEVER HAPPENED TO JUDGE REINHOLD?

  6. Beautiful. Love the last line especially.

    Lora Lynn’s last blog post..A-Tisket, A-Tasket, Ellen’s In A Basket

  7. Thank God for His grace. You are touching lives here.

    jolyn’s last blog post..I made a healthy meal for $2.25. And the whole family ate it.

  8. I haven’t been by since the holidays….what a story to jump in on. Thank you for sharing yourself, what a gift.

    Esther’s last blog post..Taking one for the team

  9. And He loves us, and loves us, and loves us, and loves us…..

    Wow! I love your transparency.

  10. There is such beauty in the broken pieces that God picks up and puts back together. Thank you for sharing your life here. I can feel God’s presence through your writing.

    Blue Castle’s last blog post..Timeline, Homeschooling Style

  11. hey amber,
    i’ve been coming back to your post all morning. i think i might say some things to you in a letter some time, but mostly, what i thought of when i read this – besides the incredible kindness of your selflessness and courage in sharing this- is that really, the devil is playing such a dangerous game with us and sin. the hope given in sin confessed, forgiven and shared in our stories is powerful beyond any of that ugly stuff we drown in.
    i don’t talk about the devil much. i’m canadian, and we’re careful about that. but that’s what i thought of.

    and that maybe you would like this: http://sittingtherealone.blogspot.com/2006/11/to-places-afraid-of-drowning.html

    thanks for being brave for all of us.

    angela’s last blog post..All professional, all the time

  12. Thanks for being brave enough to share your heart. I know you’re going to help others heal by the grace of God! I think God gave me kids so I could understand his love for me better. When I come face to face with what seems to me as unforgivable, I remember that there’s nothing I wouldn’t forgive my kids of. It’s then that I remember He loves me more than even that and that He forgives before I even ask.

    Britiney’s last blog post..Wedding Cards

  13. Wow! That was very powerful. Thanks for having the courage to share your story.


  14. wow. your writing is amazing. I wish I could express my thoughts and feelings that well. I long to be able to let my guard down and be so transparent. your story reminds me again how good and sweet and gentle our Jesus is. I love him too.

  15. Thank you for your transparency. What a wonderful story of God’s grace. Everyone has a lead corset, but some come in different colors. We all fall short in seriously sinful ways.

    citystreams’s last blog post..we love u daddy

  16. it’s a beautiful thing when a christian is able to share their brokenness in order to testify to the grace, mercy and love of God. it’s a beautiful thing when a christian is still accepted and loved despite their shortcomings and failures. it’s a beautiful thing when we are able to confess our weakness and give glory to the One that gives us strength.
    “for ALL have sinned and fall short”
    Grace is a beautiful, beautiful thing….

  17. such a haunting story, Amber.

    you tell it with poetry both subtle…and poignantly clear.

    full of your loss…and filled with hope.

    pointing to Him.

    This sings, Amber, a song of love….and, as you say, of life.

    And to think…that there’s *more* to the story!

    Ann Kroeker’s last blog post..Choosing What is Best

  18. You have picked all the right words here. And this song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rYXTX1GHok) came to my mind.

    Janna at Rainbow Dull’s last blog post..Where were you?

  19. “We can carry grief like a tight lead jacket under our prettiest blouses and never say a thing.”

    A college friend and I named pain like this “the internal unitard.”

    Thank you for sharing.

  20. God glorified – that is your story at it’s finest.

    sweethomealagirl’s last blog post..Praise to the Lord!


  1. […] We can carry grief like a tight lead jacket under our prettiest blouses and never say a thing” (TheRunamuck, Jan. 27, […]

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  3. […] is said that 1 out of 5 of us have had abortions. I am the one, and though I am now absolutely pro-life, had I been standing up when I saw that picture, I would […]

  4. […] women talk to women about abortion, it can sound  like this and like this: (from Ann Voskamp) “I had six children when I sinned.” And I turn, wrap an arm […]

  5. […] a flash fire, a combustible woman who was coming to all things with the new eyes of fresh faith. It had been only weeks since you’d lost your first child, an unplanned one, and months since you’d last tempted death with a rolled up dollar bill and a […]

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