NightLight will post every Friday with encouragement for and questions from younger women. No matter your age, you are older and wiser than some, and you’ve been equipped to share through your story. Please read the guidelines and consider submitting questions or posts of encouragement or advice to nightlightguide@gmail.com.
Today’s bold post is by Brooke McGothlin of A Life in Need of Change. —
It was sweet.
One word to describe? Sweet.
And I messed it up. My choice to sin messed up…no…killed my sweetness. Not only did I sin, but I caused my brother to fall too. Double sin.
It wasn’t the only issue our relationship had, but choosing to be intimate with him before marriage caused a loss of the sweetness. We didn’t even officially have sex. I was a virgin when I married in the technical sense of the word. But we lost something with each touch. And I’ll regret that forever.
I called him mine. But he wasn’t. Never intended to be mine. From the beginning of time, he was NOT meant to be mine. But I treated him like he was mine for the taking.
Was it worth it? No. I remember the dirt road where the Lord told me it would end. I cried, screamed, said, “I can’t do this! Please don’t do this to me! I love him!” But I knew in my heart he wasn’t the one. An unholy alliance entangling our hearts made it that much harder to untangle.
As God told me it would, the relationship with this sweet one ended.
A short time passed and I found the one. A different sweet. One tainted with loss. Falling for the one but grieving the other. Attraction? I’ve never felt such suction toward another human. Heart, mind, soul, and yes, body. But waiting.
Waiting, but struggling. Failing some here and there, but both committed to purity. Waiting, asking for strength, help, forgiveness and for a love that considered the other as more important.
One morning, after we danced too close to the line, I walked across campus and heard His voice again. “Be careful love. You’ll lose again. Love ME more than your sin. I know you want to love. I created you to love. But love Me MORE.”
So I chose Him, waited, and knew real love. Know real love.
—
Okay, Ladies! What’s your two cents? Let’s get some conversation started in the comments.
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Amber,
I think Tamara’s last comment deserves a whole post.
“But how do I explain that I had to be broken… shattered… to love Him like that?”
Isn’t this the point of recognition of our depravity? Don’t we have to be broken like this to realize we need a new heart? I’m not saying it takes broken purity, I’m just saying this is the fundamental realization needed before we can understand our need for redemption. And can we translate this to our children in a way that allows them to understand their depravity without losing their purity?
I’d sure like Hamster to come around for this part of the discussion.
I know what it is to dance right up to the line. And I know what it is in fit of selfishness to jump over it. This post and these comments are so encouraging and convicting at the same time. I am currently single and I have had to come to terms with the fact that it has a lot to do with my emotional irresponsibilty and immaturity. I love what Seth said about if you dont want to cross the line but you still do that it still counts. Patience faith and trust have been so hard to learn when it comes to dating. I want what I want and I want it now and I get so far ahead of myself that I am willing to risk myself and my relationship with God. I know that He is begging me now to love Him before he will allow to love another sinner. I know that he is training my heart for something more wonderful than I could ever forcefully create out of my own flesh.
Thank you Amber for this post and for everyone who commented.
I agree with Seth…Tamara’s post needs an entire post. I read it and thought, “wow…what an amazing question. I don’t have a clue where to start.” The only thing I have to add right now is what I’m doing with my own…but they’re so little and really, we never know what will work until it does, right? I’m relying heavily on the fact that according to Ezekiel 36:26 it is God alone who turns hearts of stone to hearts of flesh. I know because of this that all the “right” things I do are just that…right and good. But they alone cannot turn my children’s hearts to flesh. God alone does that…in His time…in His way. But I can try to make it easy for them to grasp it. At ages 2 and 4 the best I know to do right now is try to help them understand that they are little sinners. That they can’t obey mommy, daddy and God Himself without calling on God for help and trusting that Jesus died so that they could be forgiven for their sins. I’m trying to create a worldview for them that says, “you can not do this by yourself.” You have to have Jesus.
That’s just a tiny little part of the answer…tiny…so tiny.
Just listening in…
I’m coming late to this party, but I’ve been lingering over these comments. Carol’s early questions, in particular, strike me, because I am the type whose toe itches to cross any line set before me. And so, in my selfishness and spiritual immaturity, I think my younger self always thought that the penalty for sexual impurity would be like other punishments I’d known: you’re grounded for a week. no TV for you, young lady. say you’re sorry for what you’ve done.
But in reality … the impurity is the symptom, not the disease. I don’t think God was sitting on High with a tally sheet, checking a box with every successive “rounding the bases” metaphor for the choices I made. Instead, I know now that the choosing revealed something about my innermost self that has continued to be true on the greener side of the marriage bed pasture. That I crave the “honey” that Amber speaks of on a daily basis. That, left alone, I would eat that honey until it sickened me … and then some.
Tim Keller often helps me get the dishes done, and a sermon I put on today is related to this discussion in an off-shoot sort of way. The link is here:
http://sermons2.redeemer.com/sermons/nakedness-holiness-god
and the scripture comes from Genesis 3 — in the aftermath of the first woman who “danced too close to the line.” Keller’s words cut deep, especially when he challenges the idea that “naked and unashamed” (our pre-Fall condition) was about the physical body. Instead, he offers a picture of a vulnerability that only perfect intimacy can fulfill. To be “naked and unashamed” is to be known completely and loved unconditionally. No human is capable of this, but since my earliest little girl daydreams I have craved it …
And it’s this that is the real CONSEQUENCE of impurity … for me, at least. Like Brooke said, there was a “sweetness,” a trust, a capacity for intimacy that had been broken. Forgiven, absolutely, but broken. I came to the marriage bed clutching fig leaves around me, and it is taking God time to help my husband and I learn how to heal old scars and prevent new wounds.
I think all of my wishing and what-ifs about our pasts are both truth and fantasy … it’s impossible not to regret; it’s perilous to carry shame. Eve’s greatest happiness was before that tempting fruit, yet even in her sin, God redeemed.
KeLi, thankyou for saying those things. At the risk of saying more than my share, I guess what I want to express is that, for me, it was exactly the brokenness that made it all so beautiful after. It is the irony that I wrestle with… that I fell in love with Jesus, and that my greatest happiness, was ‘after the fall’. That when I was broken open, what spilled out of my innermost self onto His feet was so unbelievably precious to Him… that it was to Him like the annointing before death. That, in fact, I could stand naked and unashamed before Him without fear or fig leaves and just say, Jesus, all I am and all I have is Yours… not because of my purity, but because of His purity, and the purity of His thoughts towards me. Because I trusted Him, and I trusted His faithfulness to me. Not because of who I am, but only because of who He is, and because of His all-consuming, unconditional, relentless, resurrection love.
Sin always has consequence… and I don’t want to give the impression that I was unscathed, or that I wasn’t very very sad for a long time. The Truth is that the good that God did in and for me was so much greater than the sin that I did against Him, that it completely overwhelmed it. He removed the name ‘harlot’ from me, and called me by a new name… and that name is ‘Mine’. I want my daughters to know that God… not the one who looks on them as sinners, but the One who looks on them as beloved and wholly His. I would love for them to know that without first being laid low… but it is not a soul-journey I myself would trade now for anything.
I posted some questions earlier and they were born out of some feelings I was having that I either couldn’t verbalize or was scared to, but then Danielle posted about a book that I googled and was able to find an excerpt of it.
In the article proposing chastity as a spiritual discipline, Lauren Winner says “Of course, premarital abstinence is different from fasting, because when you fast you know you will eat again. Premarital abstinence is different from keeping vigil, because during your vigil you can be confident that you will sleep again. Unmarried Christians have no guarantee that they will ever get married. They have no guarantee of licit sex. Thus to practice premarital chastity is at times to feel as if you are being forever forbidden the satisfaction of a normal appetite.”
That is exactly what I had been feeling. I have kept myself pure because I knew that is what God wanted, but as the years pass, I start wondering why I am doing this. I’m not 22 anymore thinking a couple of years of pre-marital abstinence is eternity. In comparison, I’ve lived eternity more than once and I still don’t have very good reasons for my abstinence except it’s the right thing to do. And it helps to look at chastity as a spiritual discipline instead of a rule, but it’s a hard pill to swallow that the rewards may not come in this lifetime, and again you start to wonder if it’s worth it? Especially when the offer is out there and it is enticing. And you wonder if it’s really so bad? Look how many have gone before you and come out the other side.
Then I start reading the posts about the state of hearts and how that is really what it’s all about and I realize that I do picture God up there with a clip board keeping score on what I am doing. I want to love Him first and most. But I think I’m one of the Christian kids that Elizabeth talks about that got hung up on the letter of the law and missed the intent. In a lot of places in my Christian life, not just this one. So loving a God that you’re kind of convinced doesn’t like you very much, and is keeping score, even though you know you’re saved by grace, is really hard. Trying to do what you think will please Him for the sake of pleasing Him is really hard. You start to forget the reasons or even wonder if you ever knew them.
A lot of people have posted if you’ve lost the battle in your mind, then you’ve crossed the line. If that’s the case, then I’ve crossed the line, and it’s ironic that I’ve done so without doing anything. In my striving to please Him, I’ve managed not to anyway.
I’m scared of Tamara’s question, wondering if I’m going to have to shatter to love Him the way I should? I don’t want to have to shatter, but I don’t think I can do this on my own. I like what Brooke says that you have to have Jesus, you can’t do it alone. I can’t even love Him enough alone. He has to give that to me as well.
I know this post is all over the board and may not make sense or even relate to anyone. It sounds like most of you have made a decision one way or another, at least physically. Of course, the heart condition is still out there for all of us. In the end, I’m choosing God and I hope I can start to believe He is choosing me.
Oh Carol, I so know how you feel. I can’t even go into words to explain it, but please just know that I have been there….and still working to move on, and even though I don’t know you I am praying for you. Thank you so much for sharing and being honest.
All of these posts are just amazing, challenging, and encouraging. Thank you all! Oh, and thanks for all the links and book suggestions, I’m saving them.
Wow! Thank you for such a honest, open post. I really needed to hear this today – the Lord just KNEW it! My fiance and I have, by the Grace of God, made a commitment to wait for marriage. This is very difficult, (especially for him), for several reasons. One, we have both crossed the line before. And two, we do live together. We are in our late 20′s, early 30′s, he is a full time student and I work full time. We both realize our relationship is Divine, and are honoring and loving God by waiting for marriage. It has caused tension in our relationship, but this post helps me to see that my fiance and I must draw closer to Jesus and rest in His open arms.
Thank you all once again. I can’t wait to share this with my fiance!
Brooke, reading your post was a little like reading my own diary – had I actually kept one 11-12 years ago. Everything you wrote, I experienced. And I still fill the sting of shame. Still feel the need to hang my head. The guilt, the loss of a relationship, the beginning of “the one” and the way God knocked me over with conviction and the knowledge that if I continued on I would spoil the gift He had given me – I lived it all. So many regrets. But, even with tears rolling down my face I know I am forgiven and that the past has been blotted out by Jesus’ blood. I am so thankful for His forgiveness, His grace, and His MERCY.
Sorry I am coming up on this discussion kind of late……. Kudos to all you ladies who have responded above! My response would be for Carol….. Well done for being open and honest. I admire your courage to articulate your thoughts and frustrations here. If you need more reasons why not to indulge I beg of you to place your desires at the Lord’s feet. My testimony is one of dancing too close to the line in order to FEEL loved but never actually crossing it. When I would dance too close I would feel tremendous guilt and shame. It was SO not worth it because unrepentant sin separates us from the Lord. A Titus 2 woman at my church took us single ladies through the book called Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot right after I broke up with “GOOD Christian Guy #3″ (said with EXTREME sarcasm)! After that study, I realized I didn’t have to seek out love anymore. I no longer needed to date at all! I could allow God to bring my husband to me in His time. Prior to this I had 3 relationships where I thought I was going to marry that person. With each one physical intimacy was a chore because I knew I couldn’t refuse to kiss and yet knew that the kiss had consequences. I was stuck because I didn’t want to even take a step there but thought I had to……. When they were told to stop OR no, they did just short of violating me……. I thought it was the price for love. I was so relieved to be able to GIVE IN, not to the worlds ways but to Gods! I found freedom in saying NO to dating and YES to finding initmacy with the Lord INSTEAD. It was not easy and sometimes lonely when all I focused on was myself, but FINALLY I was not pressured. I was SAFE in God’s protection. God was the keeper of my heart and I didn’t have to give it to anyone else until HE directed me to! No more disappointment, no more testing the boundaries, no more broken heart, no more emotional rollercoasters! I will not LIE! It was not always blissfully delightful, however it was FREEDOM from temptation! For years I wondered when my time would come. It was when I became content with being single that God found it fitting to place a THE ONE in my path. At first I told God NO! That I was fine…….. The man God told me was to be my hubby had a past. I made it clear to the Lord that HE had to be wrong! He had only been saved for 2 years. There were things that he had experienced in his past that I never even dreamed of. After 12 years of marriage I can guarentee you that I was wrong in my assumption!We courted until each one of us recieved confirmation from the Lord that we were to be married. We never were we alone together and what was said about after 10pm is so right on! What this looked like was we would meet up with friends for a group date or he would come over to my brothers house where we played board games as a family. This is quite effective as it is REAL LIFE accountability. When our emotiona/desires are clouded it helps to have people that are not starstruck in the room to give clarity!
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Carol this is the part that I want to speak to you…… others may read too but sorry ladies, here is where the truth gets a bit ugly. Because he had a past he had an undiagnosed STD when we married. It had gone un-noticed for several years into our marriage. Oh Carol, there is a reason WHY God desires you to be pure. It is for your protection emotionally, spiritually and physically. While there are many other worse STDs out there, this was a consequence of life before Jesus that now we both have to pay for. At first I was distraught to know that I had saved myself, a virgin bride to get an STD through marriage. However, there are consequences to sin that extend BEYOND our little world. We don’t sin in a vaccuum. You may think that if you just give in just once to get an experience that it will be no big deal but I promise you this is a lie from Satan. He wants to rob, kill and destroy. Do not lose heart. He has an awesome plan for your life if you just chose to die to yourself and ask HIM to fill that void until it is time. Prayers for all you single ladies out there! If any of you have specific questions of the practical workings of coutship or dating under-supervision please give me a hollar!
jtmabpark@msn.com
Theresa
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