This is a scary topic, especially when we aren’t pointing the finger at our husbands but instead are pointing it at ourselves. It happens. Men aren’t the only ones in this over-sexed culture to struggle with pornography. So here are a few more of us blurting it out.
The following post is by an amazing blogger friend, Sarah Markley from The Best Days of My Life. I’m honored that she would share her story here, and I’m willing to bet that some of you will relate to her story, too. Please get to know Sarah’s blog, and also join in the conversation in the comments here. This week is XXX Week to spread awareness about the upcoming and anticipated !dea Camp in Las Vegas, topic being Sex – ideas for good in regard to the church and how she lives real in the world.
Pornography and the Fantasy
by Sarah Markley
My heart has always been drawn to the fantastical.
When I was in middle school my father opened up his entire library of well worn science fiction and fantasy novels. Paperbacks littered my bedroom floor as I devoured trilogy after trilogy of sorcerers, mountain passes thick with snow and of dragons who knew their master’s name.
I got lost. The books transported me to other planets on the wings of a Grecian horse on summer mornings, and I rolled over only to sip a glass of water or munch mindlessly on chips. I stretched my arms and legs because my body had begun to stiffen from hours of inactivity spent reading and reading and reading.
It felt wonderful to get lost like that.
When I met and married my husband I left the science fiction books in my parents’ guest room and moved in with my husband. The pornography that he brought into our bedroom early in our marriage was a bit like those fantasy books.
It sucked the desire I had for the real and the now.
It took away the passion I had for my new husband.
It sullied my understanding of the reality of what life should be as a married couple.
Lost. Eyes glazed over in a mile long stare searching for a fantasy that was not there. And it felt good. As if I’d lain on the floor of my childhood bedroom relinquishing the real for a fantasy novel the mobility and flexibility in my relationship with my husband seized up. Muscles stiff, I could barely reach his hand to hold it without straining. However, the worst of it was coming.
The images and “otherness” of it had subtly prepared my heart for the three year long affair I would have beginning just a few months after my fourth wedding anniversary. It was like my mind had been wiped across with a dirty rag, covering my less worn heart with the weight of the knowledge of the world. Wrong disguised itself as right and right seemed less and less inviting.
My twelve year old self closed her eyes and dreamed of the gowns worn by a princess in a threatened kingdom or riding behind a mysterious swordsman on an equally mysterious horse. And my twenty-five year old self closed her eyes and dreamed of herself with a man other than my husband. This is how things like this can begin.
I have been affair- and pornography-free for more than six years. But even so, I must be diligent to train my heart on the here and the now, on the husband that shares my bed, on the beauty that is my family, and on the God who is my Savior.
Without that, the fantasy.
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
I have to say that it’s taken Seth and me a long time to be honest about the ways we struggle with lust, but our lines of communication are very very open, and it seems that that alone has increased our intimacy, empathy, and prayers for one another.
Seth asked just the other day that if women were to shirk the shame and just spill the beans about their own lusts (pornography, masturbation, flirty conversations in the office) wouldn’t men be much more likely to feel safe in keeping open and honest communication about their own struggles.
We can address this together as a human condition not as a “Men are screwed up” condition. The fact is that most of us are screwed up. It’s just better to confess it and receive God’s best for your marriage by working TOGETHER toward purity.
For those of you who are single, why are you so silent about what the struggle really is? It’s like going to church and giving an “unspoken” prayer request. You’re not the only one struggling here. Get out of the secret life, YES! but also know that you aren’t any freakier of a show than any of the rest of us.
James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
—–
I’m not suggesting an airing of dirty laundry here, but I am suggesting that this scripture is true, and I wouldn’t be throwing this topic up on my blog if my aim weren’t that of holistic healing – mind, body, and soul. This is Gospel. I believe that SEX deals with our whole self, so we must face it in truth.
This is an amazing post Amber! I really appreciate your (and your husband’s) transparency in this issue.
What I find interesting about your story is how it is something that you did within your marriage, and how it still caused damage to the relationship. Typically, porn is used by one and could be considered a form of cheating. But I think that some would look at bringing it into the marriage bedroom to do together would be okay because they view it as a tool to ‘enhance’ the experience. But the truth is that it can cause damage there too.
Thank you for bringing this into the light, and I pray that there are many who read this and are changed by your story.
Thank you, BibleDude! This is actually Sarah Markley’s story. She and her husband have an amazing ministry, and I’ve been encouraged by their openness, how they tell of restoration in marriage.
That’s a good point you bring up, too. Once those images have been invited in, it’s so hard to separate from them. I know couples who have been very damaged by a single experience that called pornography harmless.
All of this is not even to mention how women are subjectified and dehumanized and how body image is destroyed or how FEAR /guilt/ shame is in direct opposition to the freedom that Christ offers. Sometimes living out that freedom is very painful, but the benefits do far outweigh the pain. I know this because I do have my own story.
Doh! I missed that somehow (that this was Sarah’s story), but I see it now. And I was just talking to my wife and some other family last night about what it does to our body image ideas.
Great discussion!
Sheesh, Sarah. What a post. Beautiful transparency. Love ya, friend.
It’s hard to figure out what to say, exactly. I guess some of this has been already said -
Even when the pornography has been introduced for the couple, as a couple, in a marriage, it does the marriage harm. This is difficult. It seems that if you are doing something together or for each other, it is good. It seems that if you are exciting each other, it is good. It isn’t always good that way. We thought that certain things would be exciting, and sexy. There was excitement, sure, but it also allowed other feelings to enter the relationship. There were times of separation (due to military deployments) when we encouraged each other to think “sexy thoughts” (leaving it there without going into explanation) but when it isn’t focused on your mate, it just makes you think about sex and does not enhance your sex life with your mate.
What we have learned -and are constantly learning- is that sexual desire as couple grows, becomes more exciting and fulfilling, when we are close physically, emotionally and spiritually – and it is not enhanced when we spice it up with worldly ideas of sensual sex.
I appreciate your words, sarah. Three years ago, one of my two best friends discovered his wife’s infidelity, and they had been married for 5 years. I have been very close to that, a participant in mourning and in the hope for future healing. Early last week i had a call from my other best friend who has also been married for 5 years. He discovered his wife’s infidelity in messages on her emails. My two closest friends, my brothers, are wrecked by the sin of lust. In one case, pornography was present.
Being involved in this has been very difficult for me.. I have the tendency now to look at the women i am close to and wonder if they are ‘behaving themselves.’ I hate it. In many conversations with my friends, we have discussed the differences in men and women’s sexuality as it refers to what words are spoken over them as children and adolescents. We feel that the idea of sexual arousal, masturbation, etc… is much more open and addressed with the boys and the topic is centered only around ‘protecting her virtue and virginity’ for the girls.
We can’t help but wonder if denying the obvious truth (that women are created as sexual beings too) somehow sets up our young ladies with a disadvantage. If girls are not to discuss sexuality or dare to consider masturbation, then how can a christian woman express her sexuality in healthy ways??
This brings me to pornography. So much of sexual perversion, sin and out-of-control behavior is stereotyped and stuck to men. But, as you pointed out, that is not accurate. I think the draw is it’s secrecy. It is the gateway to exploring all your fantasies that you are taught to believe are yours alone.
My first friend is doing much better with the pornography addiction, and their relationship is healing, but they can tell you that it was shocking how deep and far reaching that sin infiltrated their family.
Sarah, so well done – thank you for sharing your story unmasked, yet with protection for those reading.
It will help many.
I love this post because it turns the general stereotype on it’s head.
There are things that I am learning. I am learning that we are all broken and that all of our general views begin somewhere with depravity and end ’round about death. Without regeneration of our minds, without real renewal and reconcilliation, we are all subject to distorted and broken views about sexuality.
From a man’s perspective, let me offer this: it is difficult to wrestle with issues of sexuality when the underlying assumption is that women do not struggle in the areas of sexuality. It is easy for a husband to feel condemned, afraid, and ashamed when he believes that his wife cannot understand his struggles. I agree with Matt. We live in a culture that assumes that women can keep themselves in check more easily. I just don’t think it’s so and it pushes many men into a closet of fear and shame. Moreover, I think it causes those women who do struggle to mistakenly believe that there is something wrong with them.
In contrast, I know that there are those who have always had beautiful and right notions of sexuality. I am thankful for those men and women, and the men and women who now live in regenerated purity. They have learned a holy secret.
So I have these questions:
1. What is the best way to seek help if you are a woman (or man) dealing with issues of pornography, or distorted views of sexuality?
2. How do you effectively regenerate and renew your mind in Christ such that your views of sexuality are transformed?
3. How do you turn your back on your views of distorted sexuality so that you can live in fullness?
Two of my favorite bloggers united! Yeah!
I heard a pastor say recently that romance novels are a form of female porn. I, like Sarah, am an AVID reader. From a very young age I got lost in books. Sadly, my favorites were often of the romance nature. I didn’t know at the time I was building a foundation of belief about romance and love that was not God’s plan.
This would lead to a series of bad decisions as an adult as I subconciously searched for a love encounter that was truly fictional.
Chic flicks and chic lit did serious damage to my expectations of my husband. They taught me to search for my “soul mate” in the earthly sense and left me dissatisfied with the mate God had chosen for me. It was my porn and I don’t think I am alone with that particular struggle.
bibledude- thank you! I appreciate your comment and your persepective.
lindsey – thanks, friend. that means a lot.
jane anne – i think its great to think “sexy thoughts” about your mate. i think we should. pornography introduces other people, other acts, other places into a place that should be intimate and reserved for just the two of us. i think that is the biggest reason why viewing it together is damaging.
matt – thank you so much for sharing that story. i agree, i think that traditionally in the church {and maybe just in human history} we are always told that women are turned on by emotion and men by sight. although that may be generally true, it doesn’t mean that women are not susceptible to porn. thanks again!
sarah mae – thank you!
jenn – i’ve never been a romance reader, but i’ve talked to women for whom it has been an addiction. and yes, i absolutely agree that those and romance heavy movies can really screw up your view of what real life is; make you unsatisfied. thank you for commenting.
seth – thanks for the questions. not sure if they were directed at me or not, but i’ll take a stab at them.
1 – in the past there really hasn’t been a lot of resources out there for women battling addictions of the sexual nature. but it’s like getting through most addictions: honesty would be the first step, a willingness to change and then a plan/support system to put that change in place. counseling can be very valuable, honesty amg a small support group of women who offer grace, honesty with your spouse, etc. and then, like getting over other addictions, taking one day at a time.
2 – i don’t know the full answer to this. i admit. distorted sexuality can take a lifetime to get out from under. but i think the setting yourself daily to have the mind of christ, allowing him to help you retrain your mind, and then having the discipline to move forward in that retraining. again, one day, one hour at a time. as soon as a mind drifts toward the image, be aware of the damage that it causes, take the thought and purpose your mind to think elsewhere. then do that a million times. allow god to fill in where the sin has left a vacuum.
3 – oh wait, maybe i answered that one in #2. moving forward with your mate can take time or can be very quick. i think honesty is really important, even in recovery. your mate or your counselor needs to know if you are having a bad day, a weak day, etc. and then, like christ makes all things new, allow him to make your marriage/mind new too. sometimes it means completely grieving the old way of life and the old habits and creating something totally different (but better).
my thoughts. not perfect, but from my experience. thanks for the questions. =)
Sarah, oh, I guess I could have explained more. I didn’t mean think “sexy thoughts” about each other. (I am all about that!) I guess my writing left more to explain about what we were doing than I felt convinced to do in a comment. My point is, that it is not good for a husband and wife to engage in pornography, together or apart (as in the case of our military deployment situation), under the guise that it will enhance the marriage sexual relationship. Does that make sense or clear things up?
Sarah excellent post. I understand the fantastical side. It’s easy to day dream to get some where. To achieve that which is sometimes difficult to get to. I’ve never looked at porn, but know my husband has and still struggles with abstaining. I try and do my wifely part and be that expression that he’s desiring. That his mind and body crave. I’d much rather put aside my will than risk him sinning because I didn’t.
this is so good… seriously. all of the time we hear testimony of men recovering from pornography addiction. Having been a child who was sexually abused by one such man- it’s an issue I’ve never been able to understand. But reading your account- i get this… I completely see how it could seize you, how it could drive you…
Thank you, thank you.
When my body changed as a young woman and I felt sensations I didn’t understand I had *no clue* what to do about it. Eventually I found porn and though I have been porn free since my marriage 2 years ago it still is something I fight. Not in the usual sense of wanting it, but more of feeling constantly inadequate in the bedroom. I’m still trying to figure out what healthy, Godly sexuality looks like and any resources would be greatly appreciated.
Someday if I have a daughter, I truly hope to be able to explain to her more than ‘stay a virgin’. Right now I just hope to find a way to enjoy the gift God has given my husband and I without the baggage of poor lessons on my own and as a couple.
Sarah – I’m soooooo glad I have crossed paths with you… your stories in so many ways help me – as a newly married – see what kind of boundaries I need to put up in my own heart and life to protect my marriage in the future. If you were not so incredibly honest and transparent, writing from your heart, I don’t know if I would be able to identify so well my own potential tripping up points.
So *deep breath* here goes…
I think of my husband and I – I’m the one who has the greater potential to run into walls.
Ok, I said it.
But I don’t know if I would have known that w/o reading some of your posts where you have so willingly shared the heart-roots behind the choices you made. So, because you are sharing… I am learning. And in that learning, I have great hope that my marriage will be so much better than it would have been – had I been kept in the dark to my own sinful side.
Thank you just doesn’t seem like enough.
Great discussion. I always read these posts on Friday, Amber, but I often bookmark it to come back and leave a comment later, so I can see what your many thoughtful readers added.
As for me, I’m a visual woman. I knew this instinctively from an early age. (Heck, it’s the reason I chose broadcast journalism over print journalism as a career.) So naturally, pornography is a temptation. I’m not necessarily lusting after the women. But I’m lusting after the desire, the sexiness, the intimacy.
Of course, just typing that made me smile wryly because nothing about pornography is True Desire or True Sex or True Intimacy. It’s the worst kind of fake, all sequins and mirrors. But in our culture, it’s paraded as real. And we buy it. It’s the air we breathe.
I think Seth’s question is extremely important: How do we recover our God-given sex drives and desires? I’ve tasted the lies for so long, how do I develop an appetite for sex and intimacy as designed by my Creator? This is where the rubber meets the road. (I have some thoughts, but they are so new, I don’t feel right sharing them yet.)
Thank you for this post. Your honesty and transparancy can only be a gift – a healing balm – to the many women who struggle with this, and keep it secret. This struggle hasn’t been my sin (I have enough others of my own, thanks) but after reading The Secrets Women Keep by Dr. Jill Hubbard, I have overwhelming compassion for women who struggle with pornography – who struggle with anything! – and choose to keep it secret because they feel like they’re alone in their struggle. And with all of the faith-based help books on pornography addictions out there being written for men, it’s no wonder women feel alone.
That’s what I took most from “Secrets” – no matter how bad it is, no matter how alone we feel, there’s nothing new under the sun, and other women have been where we are. That’s why this discussion is so valuable, it gives light to the dark places in our lives, and lets us know we’re not alone as we all work on navigating the uncharted waters of our own sexuality.
http://www.amazon.com/Secrets-Women-Keep-Brings-Freedom/dp/0785228160
jane anne – totally makes sense. =)
prudence- thanks for sharing that. i think that its important to try to please our spouses, just as we would want them to please us.
misty – wow. and thank you.
v higgins – you bring up a really good point: it’s more than just staying a virgin. it’s training your mind and heart to desire good things. thank you.
jenny – wow! i know what you mean about being the one who is more likely to run into walls – meet my marriage! even though my husband has struggled with porn in the past, it’s me who is the all or nothing person. i’m the one who launches headlong into good (or bad) things. thank you for your encouragement.
kelly – great comment. i appreciate your perspective. i agree. =)
Christy – thank you!!
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