My 19-day old baby has a hole in his heart.
He latches on, gentle brown eyes lifted to my face. His impossibly fast breaths are metered swishes between gulp-sighs. We found out Friday that Titus has a hole in his heart, a fairly large hole so that the blood in his upper two chambers swashes freely back and forth without so much as making a murmur. We only knew something to be wrong because he breathes like he’s swimming across oceans, even while asleep.
If my three big boys ever get scared at night, we sing, “Be strong and courageous and do not be afraid. The LORD will be with you each and every day. He’ll never forsake you. Don’t be afraid.” We ask them, “Who is with you?” Jude knows to comfort others by saying, “God is with you.”
You’d like to think you know how you would feel in certain circumstances. Or you might think, “there’s no way I’d make it if ________ happened.” But this is all I know:
God is faithful. And He is with me.
A few minutes ago I got a phone call that a home-birthing couple in our complex is in labor. They needed something, so I threw Titus up over my shoulder and rushed what they needed over. The young tattooed husband, first-timer, opened the door with his chest bare. He was blank, the look of everything-I-used-to-think-I-know. His doe-eyes were glossed with the knowledge of pain, maybe some of the beauty. He said, “sorry.” And I stepped backward and said “I understand. I’m praying.”
I haven’t cried till now, seeing the holy fear in his eyes. We have control in so very few matters, and sometimes that truth comes on us like labor, like drowning, like a hole in the heart. Sometimes love feels exactly like fear, but perfect love casts the fear out – only I don’t believe anymore that the fear is to be cast toward Hell.
The presence of God is a riptide, and I do want to go under – thanksgiving, awe, love, and fear intermingle only there with truth and peace.
Let it be said of me that I knew I wasn’t in control. Let it be said that I threw my hands in the air, took the free-fall and found my joy deep in His mysterious river.
“Even though I walk through [hospital hallways (not to mention my insanely vivid imagination,)] I fear no evil, for You are with me.” (Psalm 23:4)
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Praying for your sweet baby and your family. That is scary.
I love you all and will pray for you always.
Titus is beautiful and he’s so blessed to have you and Seth as his Mama and Papa!
Praying for that Touch and the Spirit’s comfort and the strength of love so wide and deep it rushes you all out to sea. His hand is mighty and His wisdom unfathomable. You know this, of course.
Love to you, sweet, sweet family. <3
Ashleigh Baker recently posted..choosing the ring
praying, praying, praying right now.
designhermomma recently posted..The “It’s a Rug” has arrived.
Praying for your family and your sweet baby boy.
This is so touching! My family will be praying and hoping for everything to work out for you and your sweet little guy. I had my first baby this past February, and he had two holes in his hear, along with a couple other things that needed to be repaired before he was a week old. It was the scariest experience I ever had in my life. I do not think that I have ever cried or prayed so much!
Long story short, he had the surgery and he is now almost 7 months old and doing SO well. I remembering feeling so alone when all of that was going on, and I had a blog to be able to keep friends and family updated. It is tanners-page.blogspot.com. The comments that I received from people on this blog helped me through some of the darkest points, and comforted me in knowing that I was not alone and not the only one that has ever gone through something like this before.
I hope that my story and the the others that you have gotten will help carry you through this difficult time. Our prayers are with you. Everything will be just fine.
Fear is a natural response to loss of control. But your testimony of your faith has ordained it to be–you will ride in Jesus Christ’s arms through this entire difficult journey. Praying for that precious babe and you and your entire family.
Julie Sunne recently posted..Not-So-Many Words
sending love,
and of course prayer….
peace be with you
deb recently posted..sometimes, it’s time
Knocking quietly on your door and whispering so you can hear me: “I’m in here with you…trying to stay under.” Love to you…and grace. Much grace…
he’s got a good shaped head. can’t wait to meet him.
hamster recently posted..We Don’t Need Another Hero…But CAPTAIN AMERICA Will Do
My love and prayers are with you
Danise Jurado recently posted..Pleasing
I am praying for you and your sweet baby boy. Grace and love, Angela
Angela Nazworth recently posted..High School Meets Real Life Meets (in)Courage
Hugs and love and prayers for you and the baby.
amber recently posted..Story of Stuff
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