What is the one thing you’e most afraid to lose? I happen to have several.
In my dream, it’s beautiful, full sun. At a park, maybe Central, the blooms dot. The leaves sway. People are passing me in full joy, going on to do what gives them joy, all in different directions. I know they serve Jesus, even in sorrow, joy.
I’m a spectator, happily watching until I realize my hands. Lunch is next to me on the bench, fruit juice and a turkey sandwich with vegetables stacked on a crumpled paper bag. And my hands are under my legs. I’m hungry. I’m thirsty. I want to grab my food and run the way of joy. I long to reach.
Then sorrow sets in. I watch my sandwich ruin, flies land in my juice. I don’t even want to get off my hands any more.
This is my fear, that I won’t follow Jesus with my writing and thereby not hear from Him. No. No, it’s not that. That’s the surface way to put it.
My “Anything” is my writing, the safety of keeping it to my blog, the safety of not really diving in to what God is speaking to me. I know the power of story. I know it can be gospel. And I also know that I do not yet appropriately bear the image of Christ. I know that I do not always steward His mysteries well. I’m yet to be exposed through my writing for what I really am.
I confess that I’m comfortable with speaking openly about my abortion and my affair. I confess that I can speak openly, too, about having been a teenager on drugs. But I confess that there are deeper things, real experiences and, harder yet, invisible things that I have never confronted. I don’t believe we are to write all the details. I’m not saying that. But if a writer is to claim honesty and truth-telling, then she must at the very least be honest with herself and God, really deal with them in the throne room.
My “Anything” is contentment, that I am not in a state of grief.
My “Anything” is exposure, that I’ll write and it won’t receive exposure [then flip the coin], that I’ll write and find myself completely exposed. Already it’s happening, how maturity only happens when the immaturity and trust issues are revealed.
I highly recommend Jennie Allen’s book, Anything: The Prayer that Unlocked My God and My Soul. Also, the stories at WhatIsYourAnything.com are amazing and freeing. Now really, are you thinking about it?